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‘Empty-bucket’ list includes running with bulls, going to hospital
It’s the Pitts
By Lee Pitts
 People have been making up their own bucket lists ever since the movie of the same name came out starring Morgan Freeman and Jack Nicholson. You may recall it was about two old geezers who made a list of the things they wanted to do before they “kicked-the-bucket.” My own bucket list is empty as I’ve already done most of the things people seem to want to do. So, what I’ve done is create my own “empty-bucket” list of the top 10 places I wouldn’t want to be caught dead.
#10 and #9 - I don’t want to go to Mexico (#10) to see a bull fight (#9). First of all, I simply don’t want to go to Mexico for health reasons. Over 40 years ago we’d cross the border frequently with a friend at Nogales to eat Mexican food at a restaurant there. It was good food and good fun and we didn’t feel any danger. Do the same thing now and you’ll end up in a Mexican jail or morgue. Also, it’s a good bet your car or truck will be impounded and the next time you go to Mexico you might see your vehicle being used as a cop car as they get second pick, right after the drug dealers.
As for watching a bullfight... I can’t think of a more gory display of man’s violent tendencies than watching a bull killed slowly and ruthlessly for no good reason. I like cattle way too much to take pleasure in watching them experience such an atrocious death.
#8 - I definitely don’t want to be incarcerated in a rest home when I become totally worthless to society. Instead, I’d rather commit a felony and go to prison for life. Going to prison will save five grand a month, the food is usually better, you have a better chance of getting your own private room and you get better medical care for free with your own concierge doctor.
#7 - Another place high on my empty-bucket list of places I’d least like to go to is the hospital. As if it isn’t painful enough to be cut open from stem to stern, the medical masochists then put you in a room for a week with three other occupants: a Valley girl who is often visited by a gang of giggling girlfriends, a middle age woman who insists on taking command of the TV remote control, and an old guy who snores so loud he sounds like a cheap chainsaw.
#6 - High on my list of things I DON’T want to do is attend a family reunion where I get stuck reminiscing about the good old days with the in-laws of my second cousin who I’ve never met before.
#5 - I hope I never add to my motel stationery collection by spending one more night in a hotel or motel. I lived out of a suitcase for 40 years acquiring motel and hotel “points” but that’s not all I acquired. I also got a bad back from sleeping in bad beds and a fear of bed bugs.
#4 - If I lived in “tornado alley” in Oklahoma I’d migrate to California too like depression-era Okies did because all the prunies have is earthquakes. I tried to outrun a tornado in Oklahoma once and if I had to do it on a regular basis, I’d either end up in the nuthouse or AA.
#3 - I haven’t been in an airport for five years now and I hope I never will. Enough said.
#2 - I’ve never been afraid of an upcoming operation but I dread a visit to the dentist worse than death itself. I’ve had 13 teeth pulled and replaced with implants and every time I visit the dentist I fear a masked man is going to steal all my money, disfigure my face (even worse than it already is) and leave me for dead without any painkillers.
#1 - I guarantee you’ll never hear about me running with the bulls in Pamplona, Spain. I’ve been running from bulls ever since I was 15 and worked on a ranch with a particularly nasty strain of man-eating bovines. If I wanted to be shish-kabobbed and perforated by a bovine, I can do that at home without getting on an airplane and staying in high priced hotels.