The Back Forty
By Roger Pond

The demand for human eggs has given new meaning to the term “egg money.” Matching egg donors with women who are unable to conceive has become big business, involving huge sums of money, in many cases.

A few couples have decided to go it alone by placing their own advertising in student newspapers at prestigious universities. An ad in the Harvard college newspaper offered $35,000 for an egg donor who is younger than 29 years of age, with a GPA over 3.5 and an SAT score over 1400.

Several years ago the same paper contained an ad offering $25,000 for an egg donor with at least a 1500 SAT score, and “$50,000 for a Jewish egg donor.” That may work for Harvard, but I went to school at Ohio State, and I can guarantee Buckeye eggs could be nearly anything. What would you expect from a school that graduated Bobby Knight and James Thurber?

I’m not saying my old alma mater didn’t have some smart students. I’m just saying we were more diverse than selective. We had old guys in turbans sitting right next to young dudes in cowboy hats.

The people I went to school with might try to make a joke out of something like this. They’re probably sending ads to the student paper at Michigan: Wanted: Wolverine eggs, $35 a dozen.

We should remember there are two parts to this human egg endeavor. The husband of the egg’s recipient is likely to get involved at some point. What do you get when you average a 1500 SAT score with an 850?

A future Buckeye, would be my guess.

Anyone targeting my alma mater for elite human eggs is making a big mistake. An ad for egg donors at Ohio State would have to be several pages long. You can’t just ask for a Jewish egg, or a smart egg. You’ve got to be more specific.

An Ohio State ad might read: Will pay $25,000 for Methodist egg. Donor must have 1200 SAT or equivalent test score, taken under supervision and notarized. Urban background preferred. Zanesville doesn’t count.

Musical talent a plus. Piano, flute, oboe, etc. No jugs, spoons, or washboards. Hobbies might include reading, attending concerts, weaving, painting or writing poetry. No muskrat trappers or frog hunters.

Applicants with an interest in coon hounds, bass fishing and squirrel hunting need not apply. Athletic ability a plus, as long as it isn’t football.

Candidates whose parents are doctors or lawyers will be given preference. Coal miners are OK – if they own the mine.

Please send complete résumé and explanation of why you didn’t get into Harvard to Ad Number 35, in care of this newspaper.

Readers with questions or comments for Roger Pond may write to him in care of this publication.