Skinny Cooks Can't Be Trusted
By Dave Kessler

I know this sweet little old lady who makes moonshine somewhere down South. I asked her if it was any good, and she offered evidence of its quality by saying, “I gave a quart of it to some friends who were going to have a party. That evening I took a taxi over to the party and there were three sheriff’s cars in the yard trying to stop the fight.

“They loved the moonshine, but got mad at each other.”

That’s a recommendation of sorts, I guess, but she won’t give me the recipe for making moonshine. She did, however, give me her recipe for making her own homemade Kahlua. She said “this is for sippin’ and enjoyin’ and havin’ a mellow party.”

This recipe uses vodka and makes a pretty good drink. When she wants to have a wild party, she adds her own moonshine or some 190-proof stuff, legal in some states, called Everclear.

I think Jerry Springer would love this little old lady.

Homemade Kahlua
24 cups of coffee, made extra strong by using triple the amount of coffee (Millstone Chocolate Velvet is her favorite brand)

2 pounds brown sugar

6 tablespoons vanilla extract

1 liter vodka

Make the coffee in your coffeepot, then put it in a big pot on the stove. Get it boiling and stir in the sugar. Stir and boil until it’s well mixed together.

Remove from heat and let cool until “you can stick your finger in it and it feels like tap water.” Once it’s cooled to room temperature, add the vanilla and the vodka and stir well. It’s ready to drink right then.

But, you can put it in bottles with cork stoppers or jars with self-sealing lids and save it for special occasions. It doesn’t have to be refrigerated.

Sensing that some readers might not be able to find the Millstone Velvet coffee she suggested, you can try mint chocolate coffee or even cappuccino. You can enjoy this just as it is or you can do a little mixing and come up with good drinks known as White Russians or Black Russians.

She then told me that when she makes this with her own moonshine or heavy amounts of 190-proof Everclear, she makes a drink called “Sex with an Alligator.” (She wouldn’t give me the mixing instructions for this either, because someone might serve this around people smoking or a source of an open flame, “and there would be Beelzebub to pay.”)