It’s the Pitts
By Lee Pitts

I’ve never been one to carry lots of cash around on my person. You know that television commercial that asks, “What’s in your wallet?” Well, most of the time, if I answered that question truthfully, the answer would be lint.

There are several good reasons why I don’t burden myself with cash. The best reason is  obvious: I don’t have any cash to carry. The second reason is equally obvious: My wife won’t give me any folding money. Her philosophy is that I simply can’t be trusted to spend my own money responsibly.

Another reason my wallet is as empty as a church on Monday morning is that I rarely go to town to spend any money. Finally, I am notoriously tight and I believe that there is no such thing as “petty cash.” I’ll not only stoop down to pick up a penny, I’ve been known to go diving for one in a fountain. And I  believe strongly in the old adage, “You can’t spend what you don’t have.”

If I do get caught a little short I can always charge it on my credit card, and I don’t even have to get in my wallet for that. I hate to admit this, but I have a bony butt and as a consequence, I never have liked carrying a wallet in my back pocket because it puts my spine out of alignment when I sit down.

So, I made myself a front pocket wallet that holds a gas credit card and a bank credit card on the outside. Therefore, the only reason I’d ever have to open my wallet is if I got a ticket and needed to show my driver’s license to the cop, or if I needed cash for some reason. These are both rare occurrences that happen, on average, once every 10 years.

I also believe that a fool and his money are soon spotted. I’ve never been robbed, mugged or even asked for money by a homeless person and I attribute this to the fact that I don’t wave a lot of cash around. And, I usually dress worse than they do. To look at me you wouldn’t think I’d have two nickels to rub together. In fact, I’ve even been given money by strangers mistaking me for the homeless person.

I am in good company when it comes to living in a cashless condition. I am reminded of the two old cowboys who had been on the trail for weeks and were approaching a town. One cowpoke asked the other, “Have you got any money?”

“Fifty cents,” replied his pardner.

“Well throw it in the sagebrush and we’ll go into town like gentlemen.”

What the cowboy was referring to is the difference between old money and new; the rich and the monied. You see, to impress people the newly rich usually go around with what’s called a “Chicago Roll” in their pocket; a wad of cash that would choke a billy goat.

Whereas, “monied” people never carry cash. In the rare occurrence that they do, it has to be ironed first. Historians tell us that American aristocrats never carried money and “monied” people might not handle $1,000 in cash in an entire year. When a “monied” person went shopping he or she would pick out the items they wanted, have the store hold them and they’d send their butler or maid around later to pay for them and pick them up.

So, you see, I am in good company.

Some wealthy people have no concept of cash, like the true story of the old and wealthy rancher who went in for a haircut early one morning. The upstanding citizen  told the barber that the bank was closed and he didn’t have any cash on him, but he did have a check in his pocket. So he asked if the barber would cash it in order to be paid.

Never one to turn down business, the barber said, “Sure, I’ll cash it.”

After his hair was cut and in its proper position, the rancher reached in his shirt pocket and pulled out a check for a trainload of cattle for $60,000! In all seriousness, he handed it to the barber to cash so that he could be paid.

The barber looked at the check, never batted an eye and said, “I’ll cash it, but it’s going to take all my pocket money.”

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