The big fad these days among politicians, Hollywood actors and environmentalists is to be “carbon neutral.”

Theoretically, you do this by canceling out your carbon emissions with carbon credits. The best example I can think of to explain this concept is to use the man who started all this with his horror-documentary about the world-ending possibilities brought about by global warming.

Shortly after Al  Gore’s movie won two Oscars for begging everyone to become carbon neutral, journalists discovered that Al’s electricity use in one of his three houses was 20 times the national average. Gore tells consumers to change their lives and to curb use of “dirty energy,” but according to the Nashville Electric Service, the Gore family mansion uses 221,000 kilowatt-hours of electricity, compared to 10,656 kilowatt-hours for the average American household.

Kind of makes you wonder what Gore and Tipper are doing in the mansion to use up that much juice.

But, by my calculations I figure Gore is carbon neutral. I mean, have you seen the guy lately? He’s ballooned since last we saw him on the national stage, and I figure his added weight is blocking out so much sunlight he is actually cooling the planet. Even the polar bears are shivering.

The idea is that some government agency or Enron-like company would create a market in carbon credits allowing, let’s say, a conglomerate to pollute a river just as long as they buy offsetting carbon credits to reduce their carbon footprint. The Governator of California, for example, can still be the “green king” so long as he buys brownie points to offset all the hot air produced by his speeches and his fleet of Hummers.

The trade in carbon credits would be sort of like the futures markets, with tradable certificates, corrupt CEOs and billionaire carbon traders. What a brilliant concept – why didn’t I think of this?
With this idea someone is going to become seriously green … as in cash.

Airlines are even talking about giving carbon credits instead of frequent flyer miles, and a new car company figures it will lose thousands of dollars on every green car it sells but make a profit by selling carbon credits to GM and Ford.

Homeless people could get rich off this deal. Because they walk instead of drive, have no air-conditioning or forced-air-heating and recycle cans and bottles they can sell their unused carbon credits.

The cold, hard concrete floors they live on are actually heat sinks and the cardboard appliance boxes they live in are made of recycled materials.

Instead of begging for quarters, they can just sell their carbon credits to rich people who need them to remain guilt-free. Like magic, our homeless problem is solved.

Old hippies are another group who will prosper. Because they eat tofu, live in hemp houses, and don’t work, they produce no greenhouse gases and, therefore, would be eligible to trade in their carbon credits for more hemp.

Speaking of grass, I figure all this greenwash should lead to heady times for those of us in agriculture. The grass grown by ranchers and the crops grown by farmers actually use up the carbon dioxide produced by those who drive a Prius or a flex-fuel vehicle that still emits greenhouse gases. And because impoverished cowboys ride horses instead of smog-spewing-cars, they should be able to augment their meager salaries by selling carbon credits to Cadillac Escalade drivers.

(Note: This column is carbon neutral. Although some carbon was used in the printing and distribution, I offset those greenhouse gas emissions with carbon credits accumulated by sending money to the Sierra Club, watching Al Gore’s movie three times, not breathing for 30 seconds, consuming no carbon-dioxide-producing lentils and by fighting with radical female environmentalists at every opportunity.

As a result, they’ve been so frigid toward me that I figure I have personally lowered global temperatures by five degrees.)

Readers with questions or comments for Lee Pitts may write to him in care of this publication.