Ranking areas for livability is causing some problems. A new study concludes that Washington, D.C., is the best city in the United States in which to live.

Authors of the study say crime rates, educational opportunities and clean water are a few of the many criteria considered in their livability rankings. I can’t quibble with the educational opportunities around Washington, D.C., but the water in that town must be a crime of some sort.

My impression of the latest city ranking is that the authors were reading their list upside down. Maybe my criteria are different from theirs. If I were ranking cities, small towns would come out on top, and most cities wouldn’t even make the list.

My criteria for a nice city leans heavily on social amenities: Does the coffee shop give free refills? Are the mechanics congenial?
My livability index would compute the population of a community and divide by 10. If this number is over 1,000, we subtract 10 points for overcrowding.

I would count the households in town and estimate the number of housecats. If the number of cats exceeds the number of homes, we deduct 5 points.

Then, my ranking system looks at transportation. Can you get where you want to go and find a parking space when you get there? Does your community have parking garages with capacity for more than two cars? If “no,” add 10 points.

Will the community have mass transit, or does everyone have to ride his own horse?

Does everyone have a horse? If “yes,” add 5 points. How far do you have to drive to find some decent hay? Can you find a horseshoer when you need one?

Consider the recreational opportunities. Is there good fishing within 20 miles of town? If the answer is “yes,” add 10 points. If the answer is “no,” move.

Do folks own guns for hunting, or for protection? Can most residents distinguish a cow from a moose?

What about cultural opportunities? How far does a person have to drive to attend the symphony or the opera? If these events are more than 50 miles away, add 5 points.

If the miles to good fishing are fewer than miles to the opera, add 5 more points and go fishing.

What about education? Can folks go to school if they want? Do kids go to school, even when they don’t want to? If the answer is “yes,” add 10 points.

Are students excused from school for county fairs and livestock shows? If “no,” subtract 10 points.

I applied this same test to my own community and came up with a score of 35. I won’t say where we lost points, but we outscored Washington, D.C., by 55.

Readers with questions or comments for Roger Pond may write to him in care of this publication.