I’ve been thinking of turning my mother in for child abuse... Mother Nature that is.

Last week she whipped me with 80-mile-an-hour winds. I think I know why she beat me mercilessly. I merely suggested that she was beginning to show her age. Boy did she howl. She leveled two barns. When I mentioned that she take better care of herself, that wrinkles and cracks were beginning to show, I guess I must have hurt her feelings. She began to cry. Four inches in three hours.

I must admit that I was a typical child. I never thanked Mother Nature for all the nice things she did. It was always, “Can I have this, can I have that?” It was one endless game of “Mother may I?” I never called or wrote and I never listened to her warnings. But did I really deserve all this? It hadn’t rained for two years and then we got 5 inches in one day! And technically we live in a desert.

As if she hadn’t done enough to me, Mother Nature sent one of her kids for a visit.  Mother Nature gave birth to two illegitimate children, one was Human Nature and the other one wasn’t worth a darn either. After beating me severely Mother Nature sent Human Nature to visit me.

One of nature’s most disagreeable blunders was standing out in the rain force-feeding a loaf of whole wheat bread to my horse Gentleman. Nearby was a station wagon filled with three squalling kids. The lady’s name was Hazel and she was a real nut. A Hazel Nut. She is proof of reincarnation because nobody could get that dumb in just one lifetime.

It seems that Hazel had developed a relationship with my horse. As we stood there in the rain discussing what was none of her business, Hazel had a bad accident... a thought struck her. “Why don’t you build a shelter for your horse so he can get in out of the rain?”

I tried to explain that there were several trees that he could stand under if he so desired.

“Well, if you don’t build him a shelter I will be forced to write a letter to the editor of the newspaper and call the Humane Society and the Dumb Friends League.”

I already had Mother Nature and Human Nature on my case and I didn’t need the nasty nature of the local editor. Besides, I got to thinking that maybe Gentleman did need more than a tree over his head. So, in the torrential rains I quickly threw together a lean-to that I thought would satisfy Hazel.

Hazel showed up at Gentleman’s stable the very next morning. She was like the bad cold I’d caught the day before in that I couldn’t get rid of her. The wind in the night put the lean-to in an un-stable condition... just like Hazel. “You can’t fool Mother Nature,” Hazel said. “If this horse doesn’t get a proper shelter, I’m turning you in.”

Hazel was so nasty she just had to be somebody’s mother-in-law and boy oh boy, did I feel sorry for him.

I bought $225 worth of wood and a $1 sympathy card for Hazel’s husband. I spent an entire day in the wind and the rain and built Gentleman a real house. Hazel finally gave her seal of approval, but Gentleman did not. To this day he has not set foot in his shelter. Meanwhile, Hazel wants to know if my cows have a place to get in from out of the rain.