America has gone to the dogs. Twenty eight percent of the people in this country don’t like cats. Only 4 percent don’t like dogs.

I don’t like cats for the following reasons: 

(1) They rub up against your leg and leave cat hairs all over the bottoms of your Wranglers®.

(2) Their favorite place to sleep is near the fan belt of your car.

I love dogs, but there are some things they do that irritate me, such as...

(1) Dogs like to pee on tires. In that respect they are like truck drivers. I got a new car once with white wall tires and there was something about those tires that attracted dogs. I drove to a cattle sale once, and 42 dogs had a convention at my front left tire. So much for white walls.

(2) Dogs chase cars and I don’t know why. What are they ever going to do with one if they catch it?

(3) Dogs love to jump on car doors. If the banker drives up to count the cows there is not a dog alive that won’t jump up on the banker’s car door and scratch the paint making your banker so mad he or she won’t renew your loan. Why is it that dogs never jump on the car door of a salesman or an in-law?

(4) Ranch dogs eat stuff they shouldn’t. Enough said. You know what I mean.

(5) I don’t like dogs that always have to ride up front in the truck. I had the pleasure of riding once with a small dog that belonged to the driver of the small truck. I called the dog Entomologist. You might think that was a strange name for a dog but I assure you it was not. That dog collected rare insects. On top of that, the dog insisted on riding next to the window so I had to ride next to the smelly male driver. We made a cute couple driving down the road seated cheek to cheek.

(6) Dog’s shed... usually in your favorite chair. 

(7)  When you are wearing work clothes dogs won’t jump up on you. Put on a pair of clean pants and they feel compelled to monogram them with a couple muddy paw prints.

(8) I don’t like house dogs very much. I was raised in a family that didn’t allow our much-loved dogs in the house. They were forced to sleep in the pump house. We had a good reason. Do you remember Dick and Jane and their dog Spot? He got that name for what he did to Dick and Jane’s white carpet.

(9) A dog’s bite is worse than his bark. That can lead to lawsuits and rabies. I did know one cowboy who has a dog that is trained to only bite people peddling religion door to door. I asked for a pup but there is a long waiting list.

When you really stop and think about it there is really not one good reason why the dog should be man’s best friend instead of a parakeet, turtle, horse, goldfish or even a cat. All you have to do with a goldfish is give it fresh water before it runs out, and Goldfish don’t drink that much. I had a turtle once that made a fine pet. It fell in love with my dad’s hard hat and the only time I saw the turtle was when it came courting.

I stayed with a family up in Montana that had a pet pig. I was told that it made a wonderful pet but at night the pig kept trying to get in bed with me. Later I was told it was the pig’s bed when they didn’t have company.

Parakeets make fine pets and they answer the age old question about what to do with newspapers when you are finished reading them. It goes on the bottom of the bird cage. But please turn my face over. I have been defecated on by many a bird and I suppose that’s my biggest pet peeve.