I’d like you to settle an argument for me concerning a question that’s been nagging me for quite some time. It is a deep philosophical question that has been debated back and forth for centuries, ever since Socrates and Plato were running cows over in Greece. Here’s the question: Do cows know it’s Christmas?

The reason I ask is because I was down at the farm supply store last week and the place was buzzing with crazy people buying Christmas presents for their pets. (I was lucky to get the last decent dog vest with matching jacket). Now you might call me a Scrooge, but I think that when there’s a such thing as a toy Cat-alog for cats, Christmas is getting far too commercialized.

I hate to admit that I have a friend who hangs a stocking up every year for his parakeet and last year he bought it a beak sharpener and a CD of Christmas songs performed by a variety of birds. I must admit that I once bought a bone for my dog for Christmas, but I have never bought red and white block salt for my cows for Christmas like a rancher friend of mine did. And these auction markets closing up for Christmas day just to give the cows a day off is ridiculous. I contend that cows do not know one day from another.

To prove my point I quizzed a cowboy friend of mine. Jeep had never had a philosophical discussion before, but he did know a lot about cows.

“Jeep, do cows know it’s Christmas?”

“Well, they were there when it all started, weren’t they?”

“Yes, now that I think of it, I’ve never seen a nativity scene that didn’t include at least one cow. But how would cows nowadays know about Santa Claus and all that holiday stuff?”

“Maybe the reindeer have been talking,” replied Jeep. “Cows celebrate lots of holidays but they do it on different days than us. They celebrate Labor Day when they calve and Independence Day is when they wean their calves. They celebrate Mother’s Day, Father’s Day and even the president’s birthdays.”

“Bah humbug,” I said. I simply could not believe that Jimmy Carter had been their president too. Animals are smarter than that.

I still could not believe it. I called the university to find out if there had ever been any research done on the subject. They said that their research department would need at least a $100,000 grant to do the proper research.

Next I called the Farm Advisor. She said the GAO had already done such a study and the GAO found there to be no evidence of such a thing as Christmas.

I was so conflicted I decided to play it safe, but I waited until the last minute to buy my cows a Christmas gift. I bought them a dewormer but that hardly seems like a nice Christmas gift.

Finally, I made the mistake of asking my wife if animals celebrated Christmas. My wife insists that all animals know when it is Christmas and she’s hardly ever wrong. But keep in mind this is the same lady who raised a turkey to have for Christmas dinner. She took Tom for walks, played Frisbee with him and he became just like one of the family. When it came time, sure enough we had him for Christmas dinner. He sat at the table right next to the dog.