I keep telling my family if we want to get rich, all we need to do is come up with some outrageous gadget for pets, put a big price on it and it will sell like hotcakes.

Perusing my email this morning, I saw a news clip on DogTV. Maybe you already subscribe? Filmmakers are calling it a new breed of television – an eight-hour block of on-demand cable TV programming designed to keep your dog relaxed, stimulated and entertained while you are at work.

To get the right footage, cameramen got on their knees and shot low and long. “I shot from the point of view of the dog,” said Gilad Neumann, CEO of DogTV.

In production, they had to mute colors, alter sound and add music specially written for dogs. There will be no commercials, no ratings and no reruns, although some might argue that watching a slug crawl is hardly exciting new programming.

First of all, how in heaven’s name do we know what kind of music dogs like? Has anyone tested this out? Please don’t tell me we’ve spent research dollars on this.

So what kind of music is it? Classical? Country? Punk Rock? Or maybe it depends on the breed of dog. Border collies would probably like rap music; something that makes them want to move constantly.

And I suppose cow dogs might want some western swing or some Sons of the Pioneers so they can envision themselves riding in the back of an old Ford pickup with their tongue hanging out, sucking in the dust from the dirt road. And it would stand to reason the Chihuahua would want its “pet parents” to hire a Mariachi band to come play for him during the day.

But we are at a real conundrum when it comes to a Blue Tick hound. I can’t decide whether that breed would be more relaxed with some easy listening elevator music, Memphis Blues or Haggard and Jones. Probably instrumental would be best for them – they seem so sad to begin with, down-on-their-luck lyrics may make them suicidal, and we wouldn’t want that.

My second question is, why do we need to keep a dog stimulated and relaxed? Those seem like opposites to me. I can understand not wanting a dog to tear up the house while you’re at work all day, but wouldn’t that be a behavioral issue? Wouldn’t that be called acting out? Wouldn’t the dog need anger management classes? Or at least a few counseling sessions?

This sounds like a job for Dr. Phil. And don’t even think about getting offended at that: If Dr. Phil can fix people, he can certainly fix pets – so to speak – right? Aren’t we giving pets human attributes by providing TV programming, sex changes, clothes and baked cookie snacks? Aren’t those all things that are enjoyed by people?

So, in this crazy, mixed-up world, it stands to reason Dr. Phil could fix them, Tommy Hilfiger could dress them, Paula Dean could cook for them and Martha Stewart could decorate for them.

I think I want to be a dog.

Readers with questions or comments for Melissa Hart may write to her in care of this publication.