The Peoria, Ill. show has already been held; the Indiana-Illinois show is next week; the Ft. Wayne show is next month; and, the big enchilada, the National Farm Machinery Show follows that. As veterans of the farm show circuit can tell you, there are ways to make your show experience a more tolerable one. Here are a few of my recommendations.

Start by planning your wardrobe carefully. Comfortable walking shoes are a must. Not only are the places they hold farm shows cavernous, they all have hard concrete floors. Spend half a day walking or standing on these surfaces and your arches will never be the same. Also, make sure your choice of footwear does not include your work boots. It will be hard to get a salesman to come over to answer your question with the smell of livestock manure in the air.

Other items of clothing that should be worn include the oldest and rattiest hat you have. Seed dealers will be glad to exchange that old thing for a new one with their logo on it. In fact, I know of some guys who bring several old hats and leave each show with several new ones instead. Also, never wear anything with the Indiana University logo on it. This will keep you from getting heckled by the Purdue Extension staff and alumni at the show.

When you get to the show, the first thing to do is pick up a copy of the Farm World show guide, which contains a list of exhibitors and a map. This is essential at the Louisville show that is so big you could grow a full-length beard just walking from one end to the other.

Speaking of the Louisville show, I recommend bringing along some chalk. That way you can make marks along the way so you can retrace your steps back to your truck.

The first booth you should visit is the one handing out the largest shopping bags. You will need it to handle all the literature and trinkets you collect along the way. Next, visit the booths that are giving away the coolest stuff. These will be easy to spot they will have the longest lines. Don’t be fooled, however, the Skoal booth will have the longest line; but they are not giving out cool stuff, they just have models handing out those little round cans.

While at the show, use the buddy system. Have your buddy call your cell phone every 10 minutes. This will give you an excuse to disentangle yourself from a salesman who is talking your ear off about his new product. If you do not have a cell phone, have your buddy come up to you when he sees you have been hooked and say excitedly, “You should see what is in the Skoal booth.” This works just as well.

A few special tips for women who visit a farm show. Be sure to bring a book or your knitting along. You will want something to do while the farmer you came with engages in a 45-minute discussion with a tractor salesman on the differences in lubricants.

Also bring along a rubber stamper with your name and home address. This will save you from writing your name and address hundreds of times for all the giveaway contests.

Be sure to keep your farmer focused. Don’t let him get distracted by the telescoping flagpoles or the gizmo that stretches your back by flipping you upside down. If you are under 30 years of age, I suggest you wear a burka. Remember, the guys who work trade show exhibits have been away from home for more than eight weeks.

Finally, be sure to attend the free seminars. They are a great place to sit down and relax without being hounded by a salesman. They are also a good place to learn something. And after all, isn’t that one of the reasons you came to the show, to learn something? I look forward to seeing you at a farm show soon.

This farm news was published in the Dec. 6, 2006 issue of Farm World, serving Indiana, Ohio, Illinois, Kentucky, Michigan and Tennessee.