You can’t talk for 10 minutes with a rancher without him comparing the cost of calves and cars. “I can remember when it only took 20 calves to buy a new pickup. Now it takes a 100,” or so they say. My response is that fellow ought to either buy a cheaper truck or a better bull.

We haven’t made near the improvement in our calves as Detroit has with trucks. They are highly polished, tough, slick, bold and formidable. And that’s just the salesman... you should see the trucks. Three doors or four, short bed or long, bucket seats and back seats. And enough toys to please the most discriminating grown-up child. If we had made as much improvement with our cattle the last 20 years as they have with pickups our calves would dress and deliver themselves.

In a moment of weakness I considered buying a new truck. My cowboy carriage was made in 1985 but in dog years that’s 147 years old. (It’s a well known fact that dogs and ranch trucks age seven years for every human year.) My old truck burns more oil than it does gas and when I asked the wrecker if the truck was worth anything to haul away he wanted to know how much gas was in the tank. I guess at three bucks a gallon it makes a big difference in the blue book price for a truck as old as mine.

A few years ago a friend gave me one of those antitheft deterrents you attach to the steering wheel but my wife laughed hysterically and said putting it on my truck “would be like putting a padlock on the garbage can.” You never know, some deranged person might steal my truck for parts... or whatever is in the glove box. Go ahead and laugh but I’ll bet my pickup could easily win those Ugly Truck Contests they hold in Nebraska and Colorado. But I’d have to ship it there by carrier to accept the trophy because there’s no way it would make the trip on its own.

What prompts this discussion is I had to take my truck into the shop because it was leaking oil as fast as could pour it in. While waiting for it to be fixed I wandered around the car lot and was immediately attacked by a salesman who duly noted the many fine attributes of “Today’s Truck:” satellite radio, GPS, chrome wheels, automatic locking hubs, cruise control, computer under the hood and luxurious “sofa seating” that surrounds you in comfort. Even a cup holder for my cafe latte.

I admit the new models are stunning but some appeared to be more ornamental than useful. One gorgeous rig had a front bumper strong enough to derail an Amtrak train but it had no back bumper. This makes no sense to me. I can see where I’m going in front, it’s in the rear end where I need something to run interference. And the new models seem just a bit impractical for a ranch truck. With bucket seats where does the dog ride when the wife is with you? And you can’t hose out the floorboard after a calf has scoured on it because it’s covered in carpet... even if it is “earth tone.”

The salesman told me that full sized trucks are especially popular. Which means my wife will have to climb up a rope ladder to get in the cab. He also showed me some Sports Utility Vehicles, which are just pickups on steroids with fancy camper shells. The cost of trucks is being driven skyward by people purchasing them who don’t really need them for work, like teenagers and Department of Interior employees. The pickup, it seems, has even become the preferred model for picking up, if you know what I mean. I am told that women think trucks are sexy, although I’ve been driving one for 40 years and have no first hand knowledge of this phenomenon.

Out of curiosity I asked the salesman the price. He’d “let me have one” for only $45,000!” That’s more than we paid for our first house! Although, admittedly the truck was bigger and nicer than that house. The good news was the salesman could arrange financing for 42 years. That’s truck years, I think.

This farm news was published in the Jan. 3, 2007 issue of Farm World, serving Indiana, Ohio, Illinois, Kentucky, Michigan and Tennessee.