It’s no wonder that brides cry on the day they’re married. It’s because they know the odds of their marriage ending in divorce are 50 percent. If the bride is brave enough to try it a second time the odds are even worse, with two thirds of all second marriages ending in divorce. You wouldn’t believe the number of adults I know that are on their third marriage and 75 percent of those marriages will end in divorce. With more and more people marrying people online they’ve never met, the odds of a marriage succeeding are about the same as a cow catching a rabbit in a foot race.

With the rise of technology these numbers are only going to get worse. I knew one couple wasn’t going to make it after the first week in which the man who worked outside the home had the ability to adjust the heater/air conditioner from his phone so his poor wife at home had to either freeze or get heat prostration because he was always adjusting the thermostat to save money.

Just by reading obituaries it sure seems to me that ranch couples get divorced a lot less. I think one of the reasons for this is that part of a rancher’s success depends to a large extent on his or her ability to sort out the keepers from the culls. I’ve found that judging team members tend to have far greater success in what is now referred to as the “sociocultural interface.” Another reason ranch marriages tend to last is because ranchers are seldom home and are outside working whereas the traditional ranch wife is inside doing the books and running the household, so they rarely have to come in contact.

Over the years I’ve formulated rock solid rules that the “matrimonally challenged” should take into consideration before tying the knot. For example... A hay farmer should never marry someone who loves horses because the horse side of the operation will grow to that exact point at which the horses will eat up all the farmer’s profits. Headers and heelers should never tie the knot because it will always be the other’s fault and even if they do manage to win it will ALWAYS be because the male’s beautiful head catch and all the female had to do was come along and clean up the mess. Finally, a dairyman should never marry a rancher. I don’t know why this is, it just is. A spender should never marry a saver, a meat eater should never marry a vegan and a smoker shouldn’t marry a non-smoker. One who snores should NEVER marry someone who doesn’t unless they have separate bedrooms waaaaaay far apart, one of them is deaf or is going to sleep outside. Finally, a male rancher should never marry a female younger than his youngest daughter.

Personally, I love being married and I’m living proof that if you do it right the first time you don’t have to do it often. But I’ve had so many urban friends get divorced that I can tell on their wedding day if the marriage is going to last. Especially if it’s obvious the marriage is for “resource extraction” purposes only.

I’ve reached the conclusion that most marriages end in divorce because one or the other is married but not fanatical about it. If either person constantly refers to the other as honeybunch, darling, luv or “their current wife,” it’s because they’ve been married so many times they can’t keep all the names straight. If the groom and the preacher are on a first name basis, have a frequent user club or their parting words are, “Good job, see you next time,” the marriage is guaranteed to fail. If a man jokes that he has a five-mile marriage license or their marriage license has an expiration date the couple will split the sheets eventually. If on their third honeymoon, the bride and groom get separate rooms and not too close together, the marriage is going to fail faster than the pinata at a child’s birthday party.

So, if you are a woman contemplating marriage I have a word of advice: It would be cheaper and far more rewarding to get yourself a cat instead of a husband because they’ll basically both do the same thing... lay on the couch all day and shed hair.