It’s the Pitts
By Lee Pitts
As a typical prey species, I want to return to the last place where I felt comfortable and safe but that was in my hometown in 1956 when I was just 5 years old. Now I’m an endangered species and I feel the world closing in around me.
Here’s how really rare I am. I don’t own a cell phone, I’ve never twittered or tweeted, exposed myself on Facebook and have no idea what an Instagram is. I don’t Hulu or Peacock, I’ve never watched porn on YouTube nor placed a bet with Draft Kings. I rarely watch television and haven’t been inside a movie theater in over 15 years. I’ve only played a video game one time in my life and it turns out I was just as bad a golfer in cyberspace as I was on real estate.
I’ve never tasted plant-based meat, pheasant under glass, white truffles, Beluga caviar or psychedelic mushrooms. I’ve never smoked marijuana, cigarettes or a cigar. The only pills I’ve taken were prescription meds and Advil. I haven’t tasted a beer in 33 years or any other alcoholic drink for that matter. I’ve never had a Mimosa, tasted tequila, Jack and Coke or a craft beer. I’ve been tipsy probably twice in my life and it shames me to admit it.
I still write thank-you notes on stationary and mail them with a stamp. I don’t owe a penny except for my one credit card which my wife pays off religiously every month. My car is 15 years old, but I can’t drive it due to my propensity to have seizures. I’ve never killed anybody that I know of.
My wife and I have never hired a gardener, a cleaning lady or a handyman. We paint our own house and mowed our own lawns. I can still lay down a pretty bead with an old arc welder, I keep my knives razor sharp and my tools rust-free.
I have been married to the same wonderful woman for 50 years. I’ve never had a mistress or an affair. I don’t have a single tattoo or body piercing and have not done anything to prevent my loss of hair. Hair plugs or a toupee would be a big waste of money because I wear a ball cap or a cowboy hat 90 percent of my waking hours.
I’m not an Eagle, Lion or Elk nor do I belong to any other organization. I’ve never put a bumper sticker on the back of my car or truck. I did try to join my county cattlemen’s but they said they never got the check. I guess I didn’t meet their high standards. I’ve never been in jail nor have I served on a trial, although I did show up for jury duty every time I was asked. I’ve had lunch and a great conversation with a president (he was our governor at the time) and I’ve voted in every election except for the one year we lived in Australia. I’ve never been to a Super Bowl but I’ve been to several NFR’s. Likewise, I’ve never been to an opera but I would have loved to have heard Johnny Cash at the Opry.
The Post Office hasn’t delivered a package from Amazon to my house in months, there are no solar panels on my roof, I still write longhand and do most math in my head. I read extensively which has been one of the great joys of my life. I thoroughly enjoyed raising both cattle and sheep.
I am a totally unique, one-of-a-kind animal who is definitely endangered. There’s never been another like me, nor will there ever be again. And I know the many people I’ve offended in the past 40 years of writing a weekly column will be real happy about that.