After attending a saloon session at a cow buyer’s convention, my wife made the astute observation that cattle persons have the disgusting habit of swearing terribly. I couldn’t agree more and I think it’s time that we all made an effort to upgrade the quality of our swearing.

When done properly, cussing is an art form and in many situations around the ranch it can help you achieve your desired objective. For example, suppose you are gathering cattle in steep country and you are riding the ridge kicking cattle off the sheer slopes. Invariably there will be a cow about half way down the hill that refuses to budge and practicality dares you to come and get her. You are faced with a dilemma. If you ride down to get the cow you will then have the arduous task of climbing back to the top of the ridge. This is where a dog and a few proper cuss words of encouragement can make life a lot easier. “Get that barren bleep you no good, flea bitten, louse laden, chicken eating, lop eared son of a sheepdog!”  Please note that it is not necessary to use off-color words. These are everyday terms that are clean enough to use around women, kids, female preachers, extension agents and mother-in-laws.

Cuss words can also come in handy to relieve stress and ease pain. If you are exhibiting a 2,000-pound bull in the show ring and the bull accidentally steps on your arthritic toes it is not necessary to use language that would make your mother hide her head in shame. Merely say, “Yeeeooooow!” followed by the words, “Oh, my,” as the bull gradually grinds your toes into the tanbark. There now... doesn’t that make you feel better?

After being turned down by your banker for any further credit because he wanted to see your cash flow statement and a five-year plan and all you had was a cigar box full of tobacco stained receipts, there are several words you can use to express your displeasure without offending him thereby destroying the possibility of borrowing any more money from him in the future. Among these creative cowboy cuss words would be: “I’ll be darned, gosh, jeeeeeminy crickets, oh my, golly jeez and dad gummit.”

Any stockman worth his salt knows that animals often react positively to the proper swear words. When attempting to catch your horse if he bolts and runs from you just as you were about to get the halter around his ears, you would do well to remember these simple words: “You ewe necked, broom tailed, slobberin’ no good bag of bones, if you don’t halt right this minute I am going to sell you for glue.”

I know that stops my horse, Gentleman, dead in his tracks every time.

Sometimes cussing can just flat make you feel better and improve your outlook on life. I know that when I was exhausted from pulling an enormous calf, thereby saving both the cow and calf from further distress and possibly even death, the cow then flicked her manure-drenched tail right across my face. When I opened my mouth and said “SHOOOOOOT,” my wife says it left a much better taste in her mouth than if I had said the more common four letter word that starts with s and ends in t, although that would have been far more accurate.

Admittedly, there are those rare occasions when the proper terminology will allude you. For example, say you are loading a bunch of steers and you follow a particularly stubborn beast up the loading ramp by grabbing its tail and shoving on its posterior with your knee. And suppose that the ungrateful steer responds by kicking you squarely in the shins or even worse, right below your bulging belly and belt buckle for winning the calf roping at your county fair. At this point you may have a hard time finding exactly the right words to express your feelings because you can hardly catch your breath. So, simply turn to your wife and whisper between clinched teeth, “Dear, would you please say something appropriate?”