WASHINGTON, D.C. — A group of podiatrists, dermatologists, palm readers and other “scientists” held a press conference today to announce that because humans are using up too much air in breathing, there is nothing left to hold the sky up.<br>
The theory was first theorized by Chicken Little, whose early experiments with acorns led him to believe the sky was falling. The U.S. government and several green groups sponsored Chicken Little’s work, which has been confirmed by such notable grant-sponsored professors as Dr. Henny Penny, Dr. Turkey Lurkey and Dr. Goosey Loosey.<br>
Now another panel of scientists, with funding from the Rockefeller, Doris Duke and other infirm foundations, have formed the “Sky Is Falling Coalition” in order to educate mankind that because of our self-indulgent behavior and our insistence on breathing, the falling sky could kill all polar bears on earth by 2050. All human life will also vanish, but the coalition of scientists said this would actually be a good thing.<br>
As proof of our imminent demise, the distinguished panel of scientists pointed to plummeting NBA scores and the theory that birds on the island of Wango Bango  are flying lower than they did 20 years ago.<br>
“This is obviously because the sky is bearing down on them,” said Dr. Wing Nut. “Only a massive effort by the global community will avert disaster. It will require trillions of dollars and much human sacrifice to stop the sky from falling.<br>
“And we do mean human sacrifice. Only by decreasing the amount of breathing going on in the world can we avoid this disaster.”
Hollywood movie stars such as Leonardo DiWhacko, George Looney, Alec Baldwin and Ed Begley Jr. have joined the “breathing movement” and are staging a pro-sky event called Breathe-Aid to raise awareness about global breathing.<br>
The Breathe-Aid event will feature a live concert by Bono, who will hold his notes longer than usual as an inspiration to all humans to breathe less. Proceeds from Bono’s Breathe-Aid concert CD will be used to make everyone feel guilty about breathing.<br>
The United Nations has convened an international conference to decide how many breaths each country will be allowed on an annual basis. It is expected that Third World countries will be excluded from any agreement and the United States will be fined $3 trillion and forced to reduce its breathing 50 percent by 2010.<br>
This is because U.N. officials concluded that there was more “heavy breathing” occurring in the U.S. than anywhere else on earth. They speculated that our selfish squandering of the earth’s atmosphere by heavy breathing was due to porn films, Playboy magazine and X-rated movies. Henceforth, puberty will be illegal in the United States.<br>
The U.N.’s Party Secretary, Bill Clinton, said, “Americans must reduce their lavish lifestyle and selfish behavior if we are to stop the sky from falling.”<br>
You might breathe a little easier to know that Al Gore has been approached to make an Academy Award-winning slideshow about the breathing movement called “An Inconvenient Breath.”<br>
Although he insists that global warming still has more profit potential to destroy the earth than global breathing, he has formed a multinational corporation to sell global breathing offsets. Asthmatics, people with emphysema, horny teenagers and other heavy breathers can buy breathing credits from other people who will kill themselves or use other measures to somehow reduce their breathing footprint.<br>
A critic of the breathing movement said, “The global breathing crises is being caused by excessive hyperventalatin’ about a problem that was created out of thin air by folks you wouldn’t trust to clean your toilet.”<br>
He said, “It’s a bunch of pessimists who used to hold signs proclaiming the end of the world was near. Now they use the Internet. The sheer stupidity of the scientists is enough to take your breath away.”<br>

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