Have you noticed all the articles and presentations lately about low-stress handling? Frankly, I don’t know who the writers are referring to, me or the cows. One article said you shouldn’t do anything that would cause fear, stress or agitation, but just try telling that to your banker.

One study I read said that low-stressed calves can weigh 20 more pounds than their stressed-out cousins in the month following weaning. Another study came to the conclusion that stressed-out cattle can be tougher to eat. Regarding the eating quality, I assume the writers are referring to cow beef which doesn’t pertain to my operation. My cull cows were never tough to eat because they were so wild I was never able to catch them.

Awhile back there was a great article in the Quarter Horse Journal on how to “read a cow,” which is a favorite subject of mine. I much prefer reading a cow to reading a non-fiction book. One type of cow the article referred to was the “Eat Your Lunch Cow” which, interestingly enough, my herd was completely comprised of. But in my defense the insane beasts were that way when I bought them. How else do you think I could afford to buy them?

Another person that was quoted on the subject said that while working cattle, the cattleman should “assume a leadership role in a non-threatening manner.” I’m a little confused here, are they talking about gathering cattle or running for Congress? Another said that if you sense your cows are becoming agitated you should back off to the point where your cattle don’t feel in danger but if I backed off that far, I’d be on the neighbor’s place. Another suggestion was that you should never drive cattle from the rear but off to the side. I guarantee that if I did that my sneaky cows would leak out the rear and by the time I reached the corral they’d be all gone.

One of the unwritten rules of low-stress handling is that there should be no sudden movements. This was exactly my problem. My horse Gentleman was incapable of such a stunt. The only sudden movement he ever had was when he broke into the feed room, ate too much rich grain and had a sudden movement of the bowels. Also, if there was to be no sudden movements how else was my wife going to get to the hole in the fence before the cows did?

Curt Pate is at the forefront of the low-stress handling movement and I had the good fortune to dine with him once and later watch one of his clinics, which I highly recommend. Curt’s a fabulous stockman and a great guy. My problem was that Curt was never there to help me on roundup day and instead I got a wildlife photographer, a CPA who just came for the free donuts, a frustrated team roper and a spy from PETA who wanted to catch us doing dastardly things to my cattle.

My friend and fellow journalist and rancher Heather Smith Thomas wrote another of her fabulous articles, this one dealing with low stress in which she recommended minimizing noise. I don’t think Heather ever had a cow dog like mine. If Heather ever came to help me work cows with my dog she’d be swearing like a drunken sailor after 10 minutes. On second thought, Heather is too nice of a person to ever do that. But you get the idea.

I found it interesting that one of the things that can irritate cattle and cause them stress are odors. I assume they were talking about cattle’s competition, chicken and hogs. I know that odors arouse because every time that Buzzard Bill the tallow man pulled into our place, the cattle would scatter like cow pies out the back end of a manure spreader. I had a neighbor who rarely bathed and he had the same effect.

In a perfect world I’d have tame cows, a prize-winning cutting horse, two good cow dogs, an understanding landlord who would build some decent facilities, and Curt Pate to help me gather the cows instead of just me, Gentleman and my wife behind the wheel of our truck that had the turning radius of a Sherman tank.