I don’t have a Bucket List of places I want to go before I die but I do have an Empty Bucket List of places I definitely DON’T want to go before I take a long dirt nap.

#10 Big Cities - I don’t ever want to go again to a town with a population of over 15,000 people. I grew up in a small town and have lived in small towns nearly all my life. Our first home as a married couple was a dinky apartment over a construction office in a town that had a Post Office, a liquor store, hardware store and a popular bar and steakhouse and that’s all a person really needs. If I do happen to end up in Hell when I die, I imagine it will look a lot like New York City or San Francisco.

#9 Expensive Hotel or Motel - I’ll sleep in my car before I’ll ever spend $350 a night for a room that looks just like Motel 6 when all the lights are off.

#8 Weddings - I’ve attended many a wedding knowing the couple had ZERO chance of remaining betrothed. I would have bet money on it if there were only a gambling site like Draft Kings where you could place such a bet. There ought to at least be something called wedding insurance where you could recoup all the money you spent buying the couple an expensive wedding present.

#7 Divorce Court - I’ve seen the financial devastation a divorce can cause and I live in fear that my wonderful wife will realize what a bad deal she got and decide to split the sheets. In that case I’d either have to sell the gold in my teeth or go live in a tent or a homeless shelter.

#6 Hospital - I’ve been admitted to hospitals in three states and have spent more time in them than I have fishing, which is a lot more fun and much healthier for you. You can’t get to sleep in a hospital and even if you are able to nod off a nurse will wake you to stab you with a needle so you can sleep.

#5 On An Airplane - It seems like I’ve spent more time in the air than I have on the ground. For years, I traveled on small planes and commercial jets and took to the skies once a week during the fall and spring bull sale seasons. There were three occasions when I thought I was gonna die. One was when the King Air I was traveling in iced up enroute to Cheyenne and we had to make an emergency landing in Rock Springs where it was kinda tough to get a motel room at 3 a.m. Another time we landed with only one eighth of a gallon of fuel left in the tank and the third episode was when we got disoriented over Donner Pass from forest fire smoke. The pilot was so flummoxed that he failed to call the tower in Reno, Nev., asking for permission to land. OOPS!

#4 Jail - Despite never having spent any time in jail or a prison, I have a recurring dream of becoming some BIG bruiser’s girlfriend in prison. Because I don’t drink or drive, a DUI is out of the question and I’ve never killed anyone, never been sued or started a forest fire, I just have this nagging feeling I’ll get wrongly accused of something bad by some disgruntled reader and end up in the Big House.

#3 Dentist Office - Ever since Atilla the Hun was my childhood dentist, I’ve been mortally afraid of them but all the powerful drugs the docs gave me to keep me alive rotted my teeth and I’ve had 13 teeth pulled, root canals, caps and a multitude of other torture devices. For once it would be nice if I didn’t use up our dental insurance during the first week of January.

# 2 Fabric Shop - My mother kept us fed by being a seamstress and she’d often drag me along when I was a kid and make me wait in a huge room full of women while she shopped for fabric, buttons, zippers and bric-a-brac. I’ve never been so humiliated in my life.

#1 Cemetery - I think this place I don’t want to go is self explanatory.