If a Martian were to land on earth and say, “Take me to your leader,” there’s no doubt in my mind it would be taken to a Chihuahua, Border Collie or a Bichon Frise. That’s because in our society, dogs definitely rule.

Who else gets to eat for free and never has to do the dishes, always has doors opened for it and gets its hair trimmed like they were a topiary? Who else gets carried around in purses and pushed in prams? Urban dogs never have to cook, clean house, vacuum the carpet, or mow the lawn. They sleep, eat and play all day while the human must work in order to buy expensive dog food. The only exception are working dogs on a ranch where it’s obvious who does all the work and makes all the important decisions. The dog does, of course.

Basically, a dog’s play time consists of having a dumb human throw a tennis ball for it to retrieve over and over again. If the human refuses to pick up the slobbery ball the dog whimpers and whines like a child until its demands are met. When it’s not fetching tennis balls or napping in its own bed the dog and the human go for a constitutional so the dog can poop in someone else’s yard. And when it’s done the dog turns to its private lackey human and says, “Hey, pick that up.”

And the stupid human does!

If you still doubt who is top dog, consider flying on  a commercial airliner these days. It is a law that for a dog to fly it must have enough room to stand up, turn all the way around and roll over. If you’re a people passenger there are no such rules and if you must squeeze in a middle seat there isn’t even anywhere to put your arms, let alone roll over.

Or consider traveling in a vehicle. The dog never has to drive and is chauffeured everywhere it has to go, like doggy day care, the dog beach, swimming at the pool or its weekly massage. If the dog gets road rage at all the moron drivers it merely puts it head out the window while sitting on the driver’s lap and barks out its displeasure.

It’s obvious that we work for them. We’re constantly freshening up their drinking water every time we flush the toilet. We buy them clothes, take them fishing and hunting, and let them sit in your recliner to watch their favorite TV shows. And they never have to get up to fetch the snacks. They decide what time we get up in the middle of the night and you can never sleep in because the dog needs to be let outside. And if you refuse, they snarl, growl or howl and pee on the carpet to remind everyone who is boss.

Maybe it has always been this way, but I think it’s become more apparent these days as we’re now taking our dogs into grocery stores and restaurants. It used to be that people would see a baby in such places and fawn over them but nowadays when they look into a baby stroller and get all googley-eyed and talk baby talk, more often than not there’s a beagle or poodle pup in the pram.

Dogs never get married, divorced, drafted, investigated by the IRS or given a ticket for chasing cars. Their relatives never drop by and then stay for a week. They’re never embarrassed by things their parents do because they don’t know who their parents are.

Unlike the millions of homeless people in America today, dogs always can sleep with a roof over their heads, protected from the elements. And there’s always food to keep them well fed and healthy. And when they’re diagnosed with a deadly disease they aren’t kept alive by doctors and drugs to suffer a painful death but instead we “put them to sleep” to save them from all the pain that humans must endure.

If you still wonder who is presently top dog in this country I refer you to a popular television series called America’s Got Talent where talented singers, dancers, magicians, and other entertainers compete for a million bucks. And who, you may wonder, won the most recent contest?

A dog, of course.